i need this. i just know, i just know this can be something with him. no matter what is said we always come back stronger, together. and i hope now he realizes how i feel; how much i love him, and that i’ll literally do anything i can for us. some changes will be made and i accept them openly. i know he wasn’t sent to me for no reason and i know the lesson i’m learning from him is not over yet. i’m here as long as he wants me, just as patient or stubborn as i need to be. everything happens for a reason and i know i’m a teenager in love, but i have so much faith in it…in us. i just can’t give up on this yet, he can see it in me. this isn’t ending soon, it can’t; it would make no sense. they say no good thing ever dies well i’m willing to work my ass off to make this as good as i can so this can last forever. i love him.

living and dying; the two are synonynous really

i wonder what it’s like
to have no sense of doubt,
no sense of worry,
to have peace of mind.

i wonder what it’s like
to feel appreciated,
to feel love in all its entirety.

i wonder what it’s like
to be happy with myself,
by myself,
and not just
for myself.

it hurts
and so the warmth
runs down my cheek.
it’s a soothing feel,
but i try to stop,
to fix my lips into a “u” shaped arch
but that brings pain to my chest.

so i bring myself back to the warmth.
it runs down my face, slowly,
soothing.

i want a way out.

i surround myself in it,
i know what this will do,
and that’s why i’m doing it
the warmth engulfs me,
but i open my eyes, keep breathing.
no longer satisfying, but painful.
the warmth turns to steaming water.
because of steam, i can’t breathe.
so i take deeper inhales of it.
take me out faster.
the heat takes me,
a darkness surrounds me,
i’m not even aware.
i awake to the sound of a crash.
a smile on my face, it still hurts,
but i got away.

maybe one day i’ll let myself discover true happiness. hopefully.

now i cry myself to sleep,
i pray the Lord will stop my weep,
if i shall die before i wake,
the less i’ll hurt, and the less i’ll break.
Amen.

you ever feel
like it was a mistake
for you to be put in
the life that you’re in?
that it doesn’t make any sense?
i can’t remember the last time
i had no problems or worries.
you make me feel better;
you’re my antidepressant…
…when it’s gone,
you continue to feel the pain
and keep looking to it,
for happiness…
problem is when you can’t access it…therefore i continue to have these lonely nights drenched in thought and depression;
wondering what’s wrong with me…

…what is wrong with me?

days go by:
feelings get deeper;
hearts intertwine.
kisses only sweeter;
everything’s fine.
knees grow weaker;
the stars are aligned.
you’re my pain easer;
you’re all mine,
the flame never dies
as days go by.

i was wrong.
you are the one of my dreams
you are different;
the one that makes love seem
so much easier.

i am still wrong.
waiting for you to be like the others,
though you give me no reason to;
i’m just paranoid.
the love you give me
is something new;
unfamiliar.

wondering how i could have gone
all these days alone dragging on;
wouldn’t have known all along
a love so pure and so strong.

for the rest of my life,
please,
keep proving me wrong.

while my beauty sleeps
i sit here wondering
what she dreams of…

does she dream of a better future?
or does she dream of the present?
or even of her past lives she must have lived as queens?

does she dream of simple days in the park?
or of luxury?

however she dreams…
however she dreams

i dream it’s of me. 

—Nathan